


Let's try to take it back (Before it all went wrong).

by skyblue993



Series: YDMC. [2]
Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Angst, Boys living together, Drama, Heartbreak, Jealousy, Jonnor - Freeform, Lot of tension, Love, M/M, Mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-08-27 12:50:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8402392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyblue993/pseuds/skyblue993
Summary: “I will always love you, Connor... just so you know.. and I know you're doing this because you think someone's gonna make me happier than you do but It's impossible. I'll never love anyone the way I love you.”Sequel to "You Drive Me Crazy."





	1. PART ONE.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [piuder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/piuder/gifts).



> Title from the song. "Before the worst." By The Script.

"Y-you don't mean that." Jude cried out. Exhaustation flashing across his features as he took a step back.

He saw Connor's eyes follow the movement before watch them widening just slightly, just like the realization that Jude was actually stepping away from him –consequently from _his life_ \-- just hit him.

He let his arms fall down to his side, a look of defeat engraved on his face as Connor spoke again.

"I..I don't know w-what I want right now. I.. feel like my head is gonna explode and I just want to drop this conversation and never let any of us to get hurt but... _w-we can't."_

"We can't." Jude echoed sadly. Connor found the courage to look up and he wasn't surprised to see Jude playing with a ring. A bitter sweet smile spread across Connor's lips as he asserted. "You're wearing it.."

Jude inhaled sharply. He never looked up but he countered honestly with voice small and thick with tears. "It's the only thing I could hold on to, you know, before you decided to leave me.”

Jude's eyes flickered up and the look of pure resignation in his eyes made Connor's heart sink inside of his chest.

"Why do you look so surprise?” Jude asked with a bitter laugh. “ _You did this._ "  
The voice inside of him screamed, not that ne could blame in any way. The voice was right.

"Well.. that before you suggested us to break up." He added with the same pitch of voice that never failed to literally stab Connor in his chest.

"J-Jude..."

Jude sucked a huge breath before tilting his head to the side. "What?"

Connor's body shuddered at the glacial edge in Jude's voice. He'd always been used to warmth,love and wonder into his voice _and_ eyes knowing that He did that-- that Connor had made him happy-- always made him feel a sense of pride going jolting through his whole body.

 _It was like the best thing he could ever do was make Jude happy and despite general opinion,_ that time made no exceptions.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for hurting you, for being the cause of your pain, for making you feel like you had to choose. I-" Connor trailed off with a sob, tears spilling down his eyes. " I don't want to make you choose. I _'d never want to make you choose._ "

"Because you know I'd choose you, no matter what."

Connor's startled eyes met Jude's. Jude looked completely defeated, his arms fallen down his sides, a look of pure surrender flashing across his face.

Connor had to ask, despite the knot in his throat, he needed to know if that what he thought it was. "W-what do you mean?"

Jude shook his head as a hollow laugh escaped his lips. “S-Seriously? Fuck, Connor do seriously need to ask that question? I.. just love you, Connor. It doesn't matter. Just... _let's never talk about this ever again._ "

Connor felt his whole body bucking under his weight.

Those were the words he feared the most and said with such resentmenet in Jude's voice made him feel thousand times worse because Jude was accomodating. Jude didn't want that anymore because of him and in the long run, he was going to hate him and hold a grudge against him for depriving him of something he wanted so much.

And what was the point? Connor thought. If that would still lead them to _this?_ What was the point of procrastinate?

"Jude..."

Jude cracked a weak smiled but it seemed so forced that didn't last more than two seconds on his lips. "I love you." He breathed out feebly like it was reason enough to make things better.

Connor's lips tugged up in a sad smile.  
"I love you too, Jude.. you have no idea how much. That's why I'm doing this."

"You know it doesn't make any sense." Jude took a short, hesitant step in Connor's direction. His hands shaking as he reached once again for his own.  
Their eyes met and Connor thought that was nothing in this world that would make him happier than Give Jude the life he wanted, but he knew that even if he accepted-- even if he tried his best to open himself to this.. marriage and kids-- he knew he was going to do that just in order to make Jude happy. _He'd give Jude the moon to make him happy._

"I can't..”

"You can't what?"

"You know what."

"I'm not asking you to."

 

Connor jerked away from him, ignoring the pain settling deep into his chest at Jude's loud gasp.

"That's the whole problem, Jude. Don't you get it? I don't want to ask you to give up on something like this! "

"You're not asking me." his voice raised an octave as Jude spat out angrily, "I'm an adult that can make his own decisions, and this is my decision, Connor.

Because I love you and I can't imagine loving someone that isn't you, ever.

So if you don't want to get married, okay. I can work with that... if you don't want kids... I'll.. I'll come to terms with it, somehow.

"No."

Jude looked at him with eyebrow raised quizzically and mouth completely agape.

"Okay. You know what? I'm tired. I'm tired of this tug-of-war. I'm tired of trying to convince you to stay with me. I'm tired of your attempts to push me away and I'm tired of trying _to make you love me._ "

Connor was startled by Jude's words and the hatred and exhaustation whose were filled with. He couldn't blame Jude but he couldn't put Jude in the position to give up on his dreams, either.

He'd never been more scared in his entire life. Everything he said contradicted how he truly felt because he wanted to be with Jude, for the rest of his life. He wouldn't never want to put an end on their relationship but how could he make Jude's happiness while not neglecting his own?

"Jude..."

"What the hell do you want. I've left you the master bedroom, can I have some privacy or that's a huge unsurmontable cliff for you, too?"

Connor closed his eyes as he let his body slide down the surface of the wooden door locked behind his back.

Jude couldn't deal with his bullshit and clearly on the verge of a breakdown, hid into the guest room.

"That's not fair.."

"What it isn't fair is that you've made yourself very clear and yet, here you are. What do you want?"

It broke Connor's heart listen to anger-filled Jude's words while he clearly muffled his sobs into the pillow..

"I just wanna talk."

"B'out what? You broke up with me, there's nothing else to discuss. I...I made my points, you made yours, just go away."

"Jude... please, Don't be a baby."

He heard heavy footstep approaching and then he found himself backing up a little more further towards the wall when Jude slammed the door open.

He looked like hell and Connor thought he deserved that pain spreading through his chest at the sight of his (former) boyfriend's face scratched by tears, his eyes puffed and red rimmed looking like he'd been rubbing them. His lips parted and swollen, probably by his teeth as he tried to fight back sobs escaping his lips.

 _"What the hell have I done.."_ Connor thought as he watched Jude's mouth stretch in a tight line.

"Excuse me? Me? A baby? Have you met you? I.. fuck, Connor you're an epic asshole, I hope you're aware of that. First you break up with me because we both want different things and I just have to stick with your decision because, apparently, I have no say in this relationship."

"That's not true, Jude and you know it! When have I ever not taken you in consideration? When have I ever made a decision without consulting you first?"

"When you decided to break up with me!" Jude didn't miss a beat and neither did Connor.

"I am allowed to break up with someone if I want to! That's not the point, here!"

"Do you even hear yourself? You're... you're so selfish, Oh my God, you're--"

Connor's eyebrow furrowed in confusion as he stood up, taking a step towards Jude. Their eyes met both fierce and equally raging.

"You're an asshole."

"You're a baby."

"Oh...” Jude's mouth fall open while his eyes narrowed, equally enraged and sardonic.

“Now I get it why you're breaking up with me! Since you hate kids, does this mean that you hate me too, doesn't it?"

Jude sassed back taking an involuntary step backwards until his back made contact with the wall.

"Jesus.. and I'm the asshole?"

"Yes." Jude replied sharply as he wetted his bottom lip. While fighting they didn't even realize how close they had been approaching to each other, Jude's startled eyes were drawn down at their chests, basically pressed together and noticing how Connor's hands were now bracketing both sides of his hips.

His eyes slowly lifted up from Connor's hips to his well built chest and finally, after a long agonizing wait, he met his own.

"Y-you're the most selfish, asshole person I've ever met." Jude spat out breathlessly. His cheeks flushed at the proximity of their faces.

"I know." Connor sighed as he run his hands over Jude's sides.

_"I don't want to let you go."_

"Me neither." Connor wanted to say and he meant it, with every weak bones of his tired body, _he meant that._

"When you love someone you gotta set them free."

Jude couldn't refrain the bitter laugh escaping his lips.

"When you love someone you just never let him go.."

"I know.. but I just want you to be happy."

"Then stick around."

"I want to.." Connor was crying, feeling pathetic while doing so because it was all on him. He was doing this and he didn't feel like deserving to cry but in that moment he couldn't stop the tears from falling down his cheeks so he closed his eyes, resting his forehead against Jude's.

"It's not something you can switch off, Jude. Because think about it.. in three of four years.. you'll go to the grocery store or at the park with your nephew and you'll see those kind of parents happy as they play with their kids and _it will break your heart._

Don't even try to deny it, you're just accomodating to me but I know how badly you want kids. I see how your eyes sparkle when you read those wedding magazines. It's how you picture yourself in the future and I love you so much that I feel like my own heart has been ripped out of my chest at the thought of letting you go."

  
Connor took a deep breath, his own eyes glazed over by tears that matched Jude's.

"And I'd rather suffer now than watching you suffer in the future for something I can't give to you."

"F-fine." Jude sniffed as he breathed a deep intake of breath, his hand wiping away the tears underneath his eyes.

"There's nothing I can do or say to make you change your mind." Jude leant into Connor's embrace even if he knew he shouldn't. The warmth of Connor's body felt like home, Connor was his home.

“ _I will always love you, Connor... just so you know.. and I know you're doing this because you think someone's gonna make me happier than you do but It's impossible. I'll never love anyone the way I love you.”_

Jude bits his lips, clearing his throat. He felt emotionally and physically drained out of energy so he just asked instead. "H-how are we going to do this? I-I mean the logistic of all of this."

Jude's eyes followed the motion of Connor's finger as it absent mindedly traced Jude's jaw, then, problably realized that he wasn't technically allowed to do that anymore, even if Jude wasn't complaying at all, Connor shifted away from him, putting some distance between their bodies.

"W-we'll make it work." Connor countered with a deep breath. "But I'm really exhausted right now and I have to go to work. Is it okay for you if we talk when I get home?"

It felt strange to still call their former love nest, _home._ Was it still their home, even?

Connor had always feel like home and now that everything had changed, was it just a house? Jude thought.

"Yes, of course."

"Okay." Connor pulled out a weak smile in return, not knowing exactly what to do.. he'd never missed kissing Jude goodbye before going to work and Jude looked like he was just as unprepared as Connor was in that moment.

"Um.. have a good day at work." Jude mumbled politely as he finally decided that clinging onto dear life to the wall wasn't exactly the best way to spend a morning after all.

He felt Connor's gaze all over him on his way to the couch dedicing to spend the whole morning lazying.

He couldn't deal with working on his book. His head was spinning and he knew he couldn't give his total committment on it. At least not for the day so He turned on the television focusing on the show actually playing but knowing, deep down, that it was just an excuse to avoid Connor's piercing gaze.

Eventually, when Connor showed up ten minutes later in the living room dressed in a working suit and briefcase in his hand, Jude couldn't refrain his gaze to wander.

Connor had always looked good in those suits, he'd always found pleasure stripping him off those suits even more.

"Do you need anything on my way back from work?"

"No." Jude replied simply. He wasn't in the mood to chit chat with the boy that broke up with him, after all.

Connor noticed, but he didn't say anything about it. _He probably agreed with Jude._  
He watched Connor stalling and fiddling with his hands, but Jude didn't ask. He kept his eyes on the screen. He didn't want to know, he'd felt enough sufference for the day.

 

"Bye Jude." His eyes grew huge against his own will when he felt Connor lean in, his lips brushing against his cheek on a short kiss that in its tenderness made him ache deeply in his chest.

Connor didn't turn around on his way to the front door but Jude could swear that he'd seen him linger, one second maybe too long, before opening the door.

Taylor showed up at this door, completely uninvited, with chinese take out the night after. She and Jude had been texting all night long but it wasn't enough to quench her hunger of details, apparently.

"Honey!"

"Tay.." Jude coughed as Taylor threw herself at him, making it very hard to breathe. Jude told her so and she apologizes before pulling away.

"You okay?"

Jude shrugged, avoiding eye contact with her because he knew he'd start crying again if he did, neither did he want to lie telling her he was okay, because he wasn't, clearly and visible through the dark bags under his eyes, red and puffed by the sleepless night he'd spent, crying softly against his pillow.

So he just told her what he felt it was the closest thing to the truth. _" I will be."_

"You know what? I've always thought Connor was a giant asshole but I'd never though he'd also be a coward." Taylor commented as they sat on the couch an hour later.  
Their relationship started off on the wrong foot and never got better throughout the years.  
Taylor had always been in an endless feud with Connor, the hostility was definity reciprocated by Jude's ex.

Jude gave a long suffering sigh, wrapping his plaid blanket around his shoulders.

"It's not like I can force him to be with me."

"So that's it?" Taylor rolled her eyes. "You guys are going to be house-mates?"

"Yes." Jude sighed. " We talked about this and we bought this apartment together. It's not fair for neither of us to leave. That's probably the first thing we agree on."

  
"That's the most ridicolous thing I've ever heard, Jude. Seriously?"

Jude forced back tears as he gave a weak nod of his head.  
"Yes."

Taylor grabbed him by his hand and Jude was so weak he let her drag him across the hallway.

"Taylor, what the hell?"

"Pack your bag."

Jude freezed on the threeshold of --what he hated to call-- his bedroom.

"You're staying at my place for a couple of days."

Jude's response didn't surprise her in the slightest. "I am not leaving, Taylor. Why should I? This is my place and.. I'm okay with sharing this apartment with Connor. We're gonna get used to this arrangement at some point of our lives.”

"I get it." Taylor said as she pulled a overnight bag out of Jude's closet.

"But you need to heal. Look at you, You're look like shit and you need someone to mend your heart, Come on."

"Taylor.. I really don't want that."

Taylor turned around, throwing a glacial glare into Jude's direction but not exactly _at him._ Then Jude heard _him_ clearing his throat and he cursed himself for what was about to happen.

"Hello _shitbag."_

Jude didn't turn around, he just stepped backwards until he met the wall. Jesus... he didn't need this.

Jude's watched Connor glaring at Taylor's arrogance. "Oh, here's the devil's advocate.”

"Oh.. now Jude's the devil?" Taylor retorted channeling her bitchy self while Jude wanted to disappear.

"I never said that, it was a figure of speech!"

"Of course it was, because if Jude's something, well, he's a saint for putting up with your bullshits for so many years!"

Jude's mouth fell open. "Taylor!"

"What? _That's true!"_

"Get out of our house." Connor spat out angrily. "I can't believe you showed up here and claimed the right to spit judgements about something that doesn't concern you."

"Excuse me but my best friend's happiness _is my absolute concern_ right now, and you ain't doing anything but increase his sufference!"

Connor's startled eyes flickered to Jude's. "What the hell have you told her?"

"Nothing!"

"I thought we talked about this and agreed to keep things under wraps."

"Did you agree to that, Jude?" Taylor asked with eyes blown wide. Then when Jude didn't deem her worthy of a reply, she addressed to Connor, instead .

"What? Were you hoping to claim secrecy over this so that no one wouldn't know what kind of a jerk you are?”

Connor breathed sharply, trying to fight the urge to kick a woman out of their apartment. She had a point being so protective over Jude but damn.. she had no rights to assault verbally.

One thing was living with the awareness that he'd broken Jude's heart and his own at the same time and he also had to deal with her? No. Absolutely not.

"No! Of course not! I'm taking all the blame, here okay? It's something between me and Jude and nobody else. You have nothing to do with our break up so stay the fuck out of it!"

"Oh please! Pull your head out of the gutter so you can finally hear what your filthy mouth spits out!"

"Watch your mouth, Taylor." Connor warned her, clearly trying to keep his shit together.

"I'm not. “ Taylor retorted with a bitchy frown flashing across her features. “

I'm sorry but I'm not gonna stand here and watch my best friend getting hurt because you, _assface,_ think it's something that doesn't concern my interest, because it is. Jude's a mess because of you!"

 

Connor had experienced panick attacks when he was little. The last time he'd had one was the day of his mother's funeral.

He'd been locked up in his room all day, sitting on the floor against his closet with head resting on his knees waiting the tears to fall but nothing ever came out.

It happened on the most unpredictable moment. He was laughing at something a friend say and suddenly he found himself sitting on the floor, shaking erratically as tears that only then, he realized where gathered at the corner of his eyes, started falling down.

As he shook and writhed, he heard his mom words softly playing in his mind.  
 “Breathe, honey...” He closed his eyes, imagining the soft soothing touch of her fingers stroking his hair. “Inhale... Exhale... like that. Connor. Breathe..”

But in that moment Connor couldn't breathe. He tried to but it hurt. It was like his chest was constricting in a fist and the only thing Connor could do was yell.. letting all out.

"And do you think I'm not?!" Connor's Voice was broken and thick with tears. Jude's eyes were filling with tears once again and this time he could do nothing to force them back, especially when he heard Connor's voice breaking in a sob.

"Do you think it's easy for me to live with this? With myself? Huh? Do you think I don't notice Jude trying to hide away tears whenever he thinks I'm not watching?  I'll live the rest of my life knowing that I've broken Jude's heart-- the person that I love the most-- and I know what everyone thinks that I'm a cold hearted jackass and I'm okay with that. I really do! But I won't allow anyone to say that my feelings for Jude aren't genuine because _I'm fucking letting him go_! I'll see him date someone else someday and I know it'll kill me, but I can't... I can't deprive him of something I know it'll make him the happiest man on Earth. I.. I can't live with that."

  
Surprisingly no one dared to open their mouth after Connor's outburst that, poor boy, was panting, on the verge of a panic attack as he covered his face with his sweaty hands.

Jude gasped loudly when he watched Connor's body slowly sliding down the doorframe before finding himself sitting on the floor with His hands were still covering his face, breathing heavily behind them.

Jude forgot for a moment everything that happened, his primal instinct to protect Connor at all costs kicking him so he found himself crouching across from him, his hands on Connor's shoulders, shaking him gently.

 

“Hey.. Connor.. hey.” Connor wasn't responsive, he wasn't probably even aware of what was going on around him. He just kept inhaling and exhaling behind his hands, his chest lifting and falling heavily and worrying Jude beyond words.

Taylor was still looking at them completely freezed on her spot and mouth wide open that until Jude's sharp voice came through, snapping her from the moment of complete shock.

“Taylor you should go.” Taylor didn't want to go, not without Jude anyway, but his pleading eyes did nothing but break her heart, acknowledging that she had gone too far. She had channeled all her hatred towards Connor using Jude's situation as exploit and that wasn't fair.

She'd done enough for one night, so she walked on trembling legs towards the two of them mouthing a quite feeble. “Are you sure?”

Jude nodded.

She sighed as she walked past them, her eyes paused on Connor's trembling figure, cold shivers running down her spine as she heard Connor repeating over and over again, sounding like a broken record.  _“_ _I'm sorry.”_

“Shh.. Connor.. shh.”

Jude kept making shushing sounds for eight minutes or more, but Connor won't stop. He wrapped his blanket around his shoulders too before pulling him into a tight hug.

Connor's hands fell to his sides but his eyes stayed closed. Jude sighed as he took Connor's hands leading them on his hips hoping to send the right message that it was okay. That Jude was there for him.

Connor bursted out in a wrecked sob as he rested his head on Jude's shoulder.

“It's okay. Connor. It's okay. I'm here.”

Connor mumbled few broken words against his shoulder before speaking them out loud.

“Jude..”

  
“Hey.”

Jude's heart skipped beats when Connor's devasted eyes met his own and he couldn't help but ask himself what was the point of all of this, of causing each other so much pain if the sentiment was there. He could see it in Connor's eyes and in his endless tears. _Connor loved him_. _He loved Connor._

In that moment he realized that _sometimes Love is just not enough._

“Will you forgive me? S-someday?”

Jude didn't need to lie. He would always forgive Connor that didn't meant he was ready to. “Want me to be honest?” Connor nodded, his hands tightening their grip on Jude's hips.

“It will be very hard for me to ever forgive you for doing this but yeah.. someday.. I think I'd be able to look at you and see Connor Stevens. Now I look at you and I just see _the one that got away.._ but we've been through hell together, Connor.” Jude's eyes fell close, breathing heavily through his nose as he added. “I won't leave you dealing with this alone and even if a part of me want to walk out of that door I'm not gonna do that.”

_I'm not you._

A part of him wanted to add, but that was the unrational part filled with the burning hate and hurt that was firing up from the pit of his stomach, urging to emerge, to yell and just leave Connor rot in his own misery.

“ _Somehow.. we're gonna get through this.”_  

 

 

 

Jude wasn't really in the right mood to attend a wedding for a couple of reasons.  
Heartbreak for starters, share an apartment with his ex that made extremely difficult --not to mention awkward-- to move on, lack of motivation due to the fact that he was going to attend this wedding alone( despite Mariana had been specifically invited him to bring a date along..

There were multiple of reasons why he wasn't on the edge of his seat in anticipation of this wedding but one that definitely topped the others was the presence of bachelors waiting to be introduced to him, yeah, Mariana made that very clear.

"Mariana." Jude told her few nights before the ceremony. "You know I'm not really into the pool date right now."

Despite Jude had been whispering, he didn't miss how fastly Connor's gaze dislodged from his phone to throw him a quick, startled look. It was so fast and brief that Jude thought he'd been having allucinations.

"Just bring yourself." Mariana told him. A smirk vivid into her voice. "We'll see where this goes."

 

Jude's heart inconsciously ached inside of his chest as he looked at his reflection in the mirror. He was wearing a suit and his mind couldn't help but link _suit_ to _wedding_ and _wedding_ to...

“Okay.” He breathed out sharply. “I got this.”

He grabbed his car keys from the kitchen and he cursed himself under his breath when he heard a short intake of breath coming from the living room on his way to the front door.

His mind had been so wrapped around this wedding thing that he'd forgot that Connor's off on work. Well, to be fair, it was sunday so of course he was off work..

“Don't come here.” Jude muttured under his breath, hearing footsteps approaching. “Don't come here.. please,please,please...”  
  
“Jude..”  
  
“Good morning, Connor..”  
  
He blushed – profusely-- when he met Connor's wide eyes. _“This is not awkward at all._ ” Jude thought, sardonically when Connor stared at him in awe.

“You look amazing.”

Jude bit his lips, throwing a quick, unconscious look to his dark suit. “Thank you.”

  
“Okay.. Um... Tell Mariana I'm wishing her all the best and joy with her husband.” Connor told him with a smile on his lips that really looked genuine. “What?” Connor frowned the moment after, probably noticing the way Jude's face was puckering weirdly.

“Oh.” Jude cleared his throat, cursing himself for letting him notice. “Nothing. I definitely will.”

Connor's sceptical frown never leave his face as Jude slammed the door shut with more force than intended.

As Jude drove to the church he couldn't help but let out a sarcastic laugh. _“Since when Connor Stevens believes in marriages?”_

 

Connor knew the implications of seeing Jude in a suit but as soon as he caught a glimpse of the boy walking past the living room, it's like his body moved on his own accord, consequently lured by Jude's cologne.

It was like a dam bursting open. His heart ached inside of his chest, eyes almost bulging out, as soon as Jude turned around.

When Jude pulled out that face Connor knew what it meant but there was nothing he could do to make him believe that he was genuinely happy for Mariana. Besides, it wasn't like he was the Grinch of weddings. It just didn't do that for him.

  
He'd spent the whole day alternating between playing Fifa or lurking on Jude's facebook page for no reasons whatsover. He just scrolled through facebook's feeds and the pictures were there, just before his eyes! Besides, everyone lurks on someone's profile in their lives.

_Jude Adams Foster had been tagged in four photos._

Connor clicked on them just because he wanted to see if there was a picture of Mariana in her wedding dress, or even a glimpse of it among the crowd.. nope. His heart clenched in his chest at that one selfie that portrayed Jude and a random – very handsome-- guy with two flutes of champagne in their hands.

Just a friendly selfie, Connor said to himself, nothing wrong with that.

In another pic in which Jude was tagged, he was slow dancing with the same dude. A soft smile on his lips that despite what he'd been telling himself, that he just wanted to see Jude happy even if that meant with someone else, still hurt him like a bitch.

Connor logged off facebook and threw himself on the couch, disappoint and hurt spreading through his chest at the thought that there was no sign of Mariana's dress on any of those pictures...

 

 


	2. PART TWO.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EDITED VERSION.

 

“Jude Adams Foster?” Jude rolled his eyes, ready to tell to whoever that voice belonged to, to kindly fuck off.

Jesus, Mariana wasn’t kidding about the whole bachelors thing.  
“Is that you?” The voice asked breathlessly with a hint of laugh that Jude couldn’t just ignore because, unless his ears weren’t deceiving him, that belonged to.

He jerked around finally facing the boy and deeming him worthy of his attention.

“Alex?”

“Yeah!” The boy laughed breathlessly as he pulled Jude into a big hug that honestly startled Jude at first before gladly returning the affectionate gesture. Because that was Alex, the very first friend he'd made since he’d been adopted by the Adams Foster family.

“Oh My God! I can’t believe it.. It’s so good to see you!”

“Yeah.” Alex’s green eyes widened slightly as they locked with Jude’s. “It’s been a while, huh?”

“Yeah.. definitely. I haven’t seen you since you moved to Scotland.”

“Well..” Jude’s eyes flickered to Alex’s mouth and couldn’t help but feel struck by his blinding smile that in its sparkling light didn't make him feel the constricting tug in his chest that only Connor's eyes could provoke.

“Mariana invited me and honestly. I was hoping to see you.”

“Oh?” Jude’s mouth formed an O as his face suddenly got warm. His body buzzing with nervousness. “ Why is that?”

“I’ve heard.. about you and Connor...” Alex trailed off with a small chuckle, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. “To be fair I’ve figured that out since you changed your relationship status on facebook.”

“Yup.” Jude nodded awkwardly, a nervous smile tugging on his lips.

“Speaking of..” Alex smiled as he pulled out his phone. “How about a selfie to celebrate this little reunion?”

Jude thought it was harmless so he just nodded, a smile creeping over his features as Alex pulled an arm over his shoulders.

“To the old times! Say cheese!”  
Jude ignored the chills of displease running down his spine at the way Alex was pulling him close. It didn’t feel right. Especially when Alex asked him to dance...

Jude politely declined the offer. He didn’t want to give Alex the wrong idea.. he was still desperately, hopelessly in love with Connor and nothing in this world would make him change his mind, despite knowing with every fiber of his being that he was just delusional. Connor had made it very clear that whatever they had, no longer existed.

“Oh.. okay.” Alex looked very displeased by Jude’s response and he did absolute nothing to hide it.

He made Jude smile in sympathy a bit, knowing that his friend hadn’t absolutely changed since they were kids. He’d always been able to read him like a book.

Jude got even more flushed when he saw him blush, admitting with small, almost shy voice. “You know.. I’ve always dreamed of taking you to junior prom...”

“You’re kidding..” Jude laughed at first but then when he saw Alex expression turning hurt, his smile fading away and turning into a frown of distress.

“Oh my God, you’re not kidding..”

“I’ve had a crush on you since we were kids..” Alex admitted with the same low-pitched voice before adding, making Jude even more nervous.

“I just never told you cause you know.. the moving and all.”

Jude wanted to roll his eyes, not at Alex because he totally understood why he never told him, but at karma because.. Jesus.. no one ever liked him like that until Connor and he’d spent his childhood being afflicted with a sense of low self-esteem about the way he was... shy and outcast, bitching about how no one ever wanted him and resigned himself to a future of living with a dozen of cats, when there was someone that genuinely liked him just the way he was!

“You could have told me.. nothing would have changed.” Jude admitted, not even aware of how his face was flushing up.

Alex raised an eyebrow at his assertion. “Seriously.” He said, dryly. A look of pure curiosity-- and regret --flashing across his eyes.

“Nothing would have changed if I told you I liked you? We were best friends..”

“Bestest of friends.” Jude corrected with a smile on his lips. “But no, at least.. I think.. Um... You know what? Let's just dance.”

Despite Jude’s reassuring smile, Alex couldn’t bring himself to just follow his suggestion. He gave him a longing look, an eyebrow wiggled in hesitation.

“We don’t have to do this..”

Alex let out a soft gasp when Jude took him by his hand and led him to the dance floor under Mariana’s interested watch..

“I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, Alex.. this.. um.. God, I’m so awkward..” Jude sighed loudly, feeling shiver crawling up his spine when Alex’s hand came to rest on his hip. He wasn’t used to the touch of another man and despite knowing that eventually he would end up getting used to it, it still felt awful, not because it was Alex’s but simply cause it wasn’t Connor’s. They had been together for six years. He’d given him all he had to give; His heart, his soul, his body.. it was all Connor’s and he felt like Connor himself ripped all of it off his body leaving him a lifeless body.

“Okay.. um.. yeah, I can tell since you know. You’re crying on my shoulder..” Alex felt him shudder into his arms before watching Jude taking an immediate step backward. He was so lost in his thought that he hadn’t even realized he’d started crying..  
So lame and pathetic, no wonder Connor didn’t want to have anything to do with him.

He glanced up in Alex’s eyes with absolutely mortified expression on his face, his hands covering his mouth in horror.

Luckily Alex smiled reassuringly, rushing to say in soothing, understanding voice ( because Alex had always been a gentleman since the day he was born.)  
“But that’s Okay! That’s perfectly fine.. Jude, really.”

“I’m so pathetic.. really. You can say it, because for God’s sake, My ex-boyfriend has moved on and I’m still ridiculously hoping for a miracle, that maybe he’ll wake up one day and realize that he can’t live his life without me. It’s so wrong and pathetic and you know what's the worst part? I know that’s never gonna happen—“

“You never know what future holds for you.” Alex told him before throwing a quick look around, gently grabbing Jude by his arm.

Alex was leading him outside, that was clear, but Jude couldn’t understand what was going on inside his head.

“W-where are we going?”

“Everyone was looking at you. I mean.. I know you’re the brother of the bride but I don’t think people would buy that was the reason for those tears.”

“Okay.” Jude sobbed, wiping his tears with the sleeve of his jacket. “Yeah.. you’re right. I don’t want to ruin Mariana’s most important day.”

They sat on a bench and Jude found himself wandering with his gaze at the beauty of those cherry trees and roses bushes surrounding them. That would be a perfect place to propose. The thought was bitter sweet in Jude's mind.

“Okay, so you can start.”

Jude let out a wet laugh before raising an eyebrow quizzically. “Start what, exactly?”

“Your rant.” Alex replied matter of factly, giving Jude a look that basically implied ‘Duh, you idiot.’

“I have nothing to rant about..”

Alex snorted. “Sure, Hon. Come on, this is a safe space... lash it all out, buddy.”

Jude was clearly unsure.. he really had nothing left to say at this point.

It was over.

“It doesn’t matter what I have to say about it because It won’t make him change his decision. Believe me, I tried.”

“True, but it will definitely make you feel better.”

Jude gave in and breathed sharply through his nose.

“I don’t understand why would he give up on everything, on me, just because we have different views about our future. Yes, Okay, I admit that I was thoroughly devastated when he declined my proposal.. I even made his favorite plate! Anyway.. I was willing to let it slide because there’s no future for me without him in it. He had been it since the first time he kissed me and—“ Jude’s voice broke out in a choked sob. “I can’t wrap my head around the fact that’s just it. It’s over.. everything we’ve fought for just flushed down the toilet..”

“Go on, I’m listening.” Alex encouraged him and Jude cracked a weak yet grateful smile through the haze of tears.

“We agreed to keep sharing the apartment until one of us finds a new place to stay and I know he’s looking. I know it’s just a matter of time until he’s completely out of my life and it’s just selfish and awful but I can’t help but pray, every single night, for his apartment hunting to fail.

Because that’s who I am,okay? Selfish and lame.. and liar, yes that too, Cause when he asks me how’s my house hunting is going and I always give him the same answer, that I’m still looking, but I’m not. I refuse to ever consider it.”

“Oh Jude..”

Jude forced back tears as he whimpered. “I haven’t even started looking for an apartment because the idea of not seeing him ever again just. k- kills me.”

  
“I know my words are just futile and bland right now but you have to react, Jude.. somehow, you have to deal with this.”

“ Am I supposed to just let him walk away?”

“Not without telling him how you feel..”

Jude snorted. “And you think I’ve not? I did! Multiple times! I was on my knees begging him to not leave me, for God’s sake and he was unmoving about the fact that he doesn’t want to deprive me of something like a husband and kids..”

Alex hummed softly before suggesting. “Maybe you should taste the waters, just a bit.”

Jude looked at him completely agape. “How would I do that without making a fool of myself since, you know, I begged him to not break up and fuck, you had to see him! He didn’t even flinch.”

“The only way to make him realize what horrible mistake he’s made is to show him how would it be like to lose you for someone else.”

“You’re not... oh my God, Alex.. you’re not suggesting what I think you’re suggesting..”

“I am.” Alex smiled. “That’s kind of perfect, Actually.”

“As much as I want him back I’d never deceive him.. it’s.. it’s just wrong, that’s not fair to him.”

“Okay.. then we’ll just omit it.”

“That’s very kind of you, Alex.. really. but I can’t.”

Alex nodded as he raised his hands in surrender. “Okay. It was worth a try.”

“Thank you.”

They stayed in silence for few moments, Jude’s gaze was absently lost into the colors of the imperial fountain while Alex was scrolling through his facebook feeds. “I’ve sent you a friendship request.”

Jude laughed. “We reconnected in real life, accepting your friendship request on facebook is more than overdue.”

  
He stepped inside of their apartment with a small smile on his face. Today was an over emotional day for Jude because of his feelings and the wedding feels filling the air. He was happy for Mariana. She looked stunning and happy like he’d never seen her before. She deserved it, and so did Jude.

The apartment was quiet and dark, except for the light of the television in the living room.

He couldn’t help the smile spreading over his face when he found Connor on the couch, laying on his stomach with face pressed against the velvet pillow.

A strand of hair was falling mischievously over his eyes made Jude move forward, crouching across from him at enough level of his face.

He did the best that he could to fight every sigh he urged to breathe out, but it was nearly impossible.  
He stayed quietly crouched there for at least five minutes, aware that it was wrong and that he no longer had the right to find himself lost in every inch of Connor’s body, but he couldn’t help himself because as he said to Alex, that afternoon, Jude considered himself being selfish and he just wanted to snap that moment and shove it into the darkest corner of his heart, where every bits of life he’d shared with Connor were just cherished memories, now.

He followed the calm motion of his soft breaths and his lips plump, his eyelashes fluttered close and his hand carefully folded behind the pillow and that meany strand of hair that fell over his eye.

He knew it was not his place to do this but something clicked inside of his head and he just decided to follow his guts. He hesitantly lifted his hand and gently brushed it off his eye.

He was just doing him a favor, right? That strand of hair could bother him in his sleep and Jude just wanted to help a bro out.. nothing too malicious about it, but then his fingers kept threading through Connor’s luscious blond hair.

“What the hell am I doing, Jesus.” Jude thought as he brushed his finger over his cheek. Things took an unpredicted – but not so much-- twist. Jude couldn’t control his own actions, he found himself completely unable to move away from Connor.

He just kept stroking his cheek and, God, despite Connor had always been a heavy sleeper, what if he woke up and found Jude like this? He needed to stop, like two hours ago.

He froze when Connor tensed up, shifting close to the source of warmth. Luckily he didn’t wake up, though. Jude moved away his hand, afraid to screw things up even further that then, surprisingly and to Jude’s absolute panic, Connor grabbed his hand.

“Mmh.”

“Fuck.” Jude cursed under his breath as Connor’s hand wrapped around his wrist. “Jesus Christ what do I do now.”

Connor was clearly still asleep and now that Jude noticed, he was smiling! Jude could swoon at the sight if he wasn’t completely on the verge of a panic attack. Connor’s grip was like made of steel and was trying to pull him on the couch.

“Mmmhhh Jude.” He mumbled softly. “Jude.”

“Are you dreaming about me?” Jude’s voice was barely audible because yeah, as much as he was over the moon excited that Connor was dreaming about him, he still dreaded the moment Connor was going to wake up and find him like this.

“Jude, fuck me.”

Jude literally forgot to breathe for a moment and, apparently , he forgot about the hand wrapped around his wrist too, because he stepped backward, falling onto his butt on the cold floor.

The loud thump made Connor jerk awake, blinking few times in the dim light of the room before acknowledging Jude’s presence.

“Jude?”

“Hey..” Jude laughed nervously, waving at him directly from the floor. “How’s going?”

Connor frowned before noticing his hand wrapped around Jude’s wrist. He let it go immediately, just as it was burning like fire.

“S-sorry.. I was just... umm.. I thought you were awake and then you took me by my wrist.” Jude totally lied but when he saw Connor breathe a sigh of relief-- Yes, Jude was sure it was a sigh or relief-- convinced himself that he did the right thing.  
Connor was over him and telling him that he was caressing his face would only cause unnecessary tension and awkwardness and Jude couldn't handle more of that.

“Sorry.”

“No need to apologize,” Connor said calmly. “It’s okay.”  
Was just Jude’s impression or his voice was oddly detached? Maybe it was his impression, yeah.. because he’d just woken up and no one’s voice is shrilling and bright at first.

“Okay.” Jude replied when he finally decided to get up from the floor. “I’ll go to bed. I’m exhausted.”

“I bet you are,” Connor replied with the same cold edge in his voice before getting up as well.

“Is everything okay?” Jude asked him, feeling a pang of loss in his chest when Connor replied sharply (without even looking at him.).

“Sure. Have you had fun at the wedding?”

“Yeah..”

Finally, he deemed Jude worthy of a strained smile, before walking out of the room. “Good. Goodnight Jude.”

 

Jude’s gaze fell on the empty spot left by Connor’s body on the couch just a split second before.

“I.. You sure you’re okay?” Jude asked but no one ever answered that question. He only heard the loud slam of a door closing –presumely Connor’s—before being left alone in his misery.

“Fuck.”

  
_**-So.. how did it go?** _

Jude sighed into the silence of his room before typing back to Alex.

_-I dunno. He seemed kind of pissed off for whatever reasons._

Jude’s mind was crossed by the worse scenario and panic started swelling inside of his chest, when he typed Alex with very shaking hands.

_-did you tag me, by chance, on some of those pics? I haven’t logged into facebook yet._

His heart was pounding like a hammer inside of his chest, luckily Alex didn’t make Jude wait long before replying.

**_-yes._ **

_-_ oh _my God. He was mad for those pics... fuck, fuck, fuck. He was jealous!_

Jude was hyperventilating in his bed. Of course he’d seen those pictures and got the wrong idea. Dammit.

 _ **-**_ okay _ **why are u freaking out**_ rn _ **? Even if he was, he has no right whatsoever to be mad at u.**_ He broke _ **up with u remember?**_

Jude nodded, even if there was no one to see him in the dark.

 _ **-**_ y’r _ **right. I’m just probably picturing it how I want it to see.**_

Jude waited for a response but Alex had probably fallen asleep. He tried to get some sleep but the weight of those walls keeping him apart from Connor felt heavier than it had ever been. He got up, Before slapping himself for being such a pathetic human being, walking out of the room.

He found himself lingering across from Connor’s door, not knowing exactly what he was supposed to do.

Well, to be fair, There were a lot of things he wanted to do but all of them felt stupid and reckless and Jude wouldn’t think about it twice if they also weren't completely useless.

He wanted to sprang that door open and tuck into bed with him, wrap him into his arms and never let him go.. spend the rest of his life showing Connor how easy it was to let someone in.

“He doesn’t want you.” A voice in his head reminded him. “How many times does he have to reject you? Don’t you have dignity left at all?”

“I just.. need to..” do what? Jude asked himself. Connor drew a line, set some boundaries and who was he even to tear them down?

He shook his head as to clear it before raising his hand. It was shaking, Jude’s whole body was shaking. He was utterly jumping out his skin as he reached for the doorknob.

“Okay.. Okay, Jude—“ Jude was breathless. How was he even supposed to explain what was he doing in Connor’s /their former bedroom in the middle of the night?

“You can do it, just.. follow your guts and everything will be alright and if he makes a weirded out face – which you can sure of, he will—You just can pretend you’re sleep walking no biggie..” He took a deep breath before murmuring under his breath. “okay.”

He FINALLY took the courage to actually turn the doorknob and stepped, on buckling legs, in the dark room.

His eyes were immediately drawn to where Connor was laying on his side on the bed, his back facing Jude.

His heart made few jumps inside of his chest when he realized that Connor wasn’t dead asleep as he thought he was.

He was on his phone, with headphones on and he was scrolling through some pictures on facebook. His sister’s wedding pictures.

Jude walked towards the bed and as he reached the edge of it, he just tapped Connor on his shoulder who Jerked around in utter shock, looking at him like he'd completely lost his mind which maybe wasn't completely wrong.

“Jude. What the fuck?!.”

“Sorry..” Jude mumbled as he fiddled with his hands, his self-confidence (wait, what? Did he have any left?) flying out of the window.

Connor took a deep breath, running his hand through his hair. His eyes staring apprehensively into Jude’s as he asked with hesitant voice. “Are you okay? Something happened?”

Jude lifted up his eyes, meeting Connor’s and unable to form a coherent and logical response to that question, he just blurted out what he considered it was the closer thing to the truth.

Go big or go home.

“I.. I don’t want to be alone, tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts :)


	3. PART THREE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PART THREE : First half.

Jude saw hesitation flashing across Connor’s eyes, a soft blush tinging his cheeks as he cleared his throat. “Umm.. Jude, I don’t really think that’s—“

Jude wasn't that surprised, he expected this, but his heart sank in his chest anyway.

“Okay. Sure.” Jude cut him off in a rush. He was feeling too embarrassed to put up with _‘it’s not you, it’s me’_ speech all over again. “I’ll just go.”

He walked to the door in a slow, discouraged pace as waiting for Connor’s voice to call his name. He heard Connor sucking a sharp breath but he didn’t stop him from walking out.

 _Again._ Jude wasn't surprised at all, but something finally shifted within him.

The realization hitting him square in the chest in a permanent, almost breathtaking way.

_It was over._

 

 

They didn’t share more than a feeble greeting in the morning for the following two days.

Jude acted normal despite the hole in his chest that formed any time he heard Connor’s voice but he had to get used to it, once and for all.

_Connor wasn’t his anymore._

And now... It felt truer than ever.

 

Jude was talking on the phone to Mariana. His attention was purely focused on what Mariana was telling him from the other end of the line so he probably didn't notice Connor walking past the living room and towards the front door. Or maybe, he did, he just didn't seem to care about his presence, anymore.

Connor wasn't sure about anything, anymore. What he was sure of was that he'd never wished things to be like this. He'd never imagined that trying to make Jude's happiness would kill him like this.

He thought it was a pretty ironic and revealing sight, the one he found himself looking at.

He decided to take a walk to the park and he'd been felt mesmerized by the sight of a kid, laughing and letting out a small shriek of joy whenever being pumped by his daddy on a playground swing.

"Are you having fun, kiddo?"

The little boy nodded as he tightened the grip on his tiny hands on the chains of the swing.

"Higher! Higher, dad! Up to the sky!"

He wasn't even aware of the small smile forming at the corner of his lips. He kept looking at them, having fun together and something warm and equally destructive flooded through his whole body.

His mind flashed forward for a moment, picturing them, _Jude and Connor,_ playing with their _kid_ and it almost made him burst out into tears, right there, on that bench.

The image playing behind his weary eyelids was beautiful and made his heart ache with want.

He could see them perfectly.

_Jude biting back a soft smile, watching them from afar, his eyes almost teared up as he laughed softly at the scene playing before his eyes._

_Connor pushing their baby on the swing and the sound of laughter, bright and happy filling the air._

_"Yes! Yes! higher, dad!"_

_"I don't want you to fall and get hurt!" Connor would say._

_"I'm not scared. If I'll ever fall, You're gonna catch me." Their kid would laugh breathlessly. "You're my superhero, aren't you?"_

 

The loud cry of a kid snapped him back from that beautiful dream. His eyes flickered immediately to the kid that had fallen onto the sandy ground. Their parents were already crouched across from him.

"Honey. You're okay. Nothing happened." His mom said, gently brushing her fingers through his hair.

The kid, wiped away his tears as he gave a soft sniff against his father's chest.

"It hurts!"

"Your knee is slightly bruised. Let's go home. Mom and dad are going to take care of you."

Connor felt wetness on his cheeks, he brushed his finger over the damp skin and only then he realized he'd been crying.

That was how his future was supposed to be, he realized. He wasn't even aware of how much he wanted it before witnessing that scene. He'd live the rest of his life with the resentment of having turned down the best future he could ever ask for.

He'd seen the way Jude had been looking at him. Secretively and full with.. something that Connor was sure as hell, _wasn't love anymore_ , and even though he'd been completely destroyed by it, it also gave him the confirm that Jude was finally ready to move on and it was selfish to even take it under consideration, Connor was well aware of that, but for the first time.. he was ready to fight all of his fears and tear down all of his walls... _for Jude._ The man, he'd always meant to spend the rest of his life with.

 

 

"Hey."

Jude turned around with a quite startled look on his face. Connor frowned because yeah... they hadn't been talking for days but he didn't really think their interactions would be this awkward.

He watched Jude sitting in the kitchen, a nervous look on his face and Connor's frown got even more accentuated as he took a seat at the kitchen table, just across from him.

"Hi." Jude breathed nervously. Connor wondered if there was something wrong.

"So.."

They both smiled because that had always been their thing to start talking at the exact same time.

"You go first." Connor offered with a soft smile that he hoped wouldn't give too much away.

Jude decided to tell him in no uncertain terms. He looked, indeed, like a huge weight was been lighting off his shoulders. "I'm moving out."

"W-what?"

Jude looked down at his trembling hands, clasped on his lap as he murmured. "Mariana... Um... she's found a nice apartment close to my moms house and I think it's time for me to  _go on my own way."_

Connor felt the air leaving his lungs. It was what he'd been telling Jude for quite some time, right? So it shouldn't feel this heart broken. It was not fair to Jude. He'd been trying to convince Connor to just... love him and it had never been enough and now that Jude's finally ready to move on and start a new life without him...

Connor couldn't just bring himself to ruin that.

"R-really?"

"Yes." Jude looked tired, hurt and definitely defeated. He didn't look like someone that just wanted to write a new chapter of his life. Jude was clearly about to throw away the whole book.

Connor could see it from the way his eyes were blank and filled with emptiness as they locked with his own.

Connor had always wanted the best for him, after all.

"If that's what you want.. I..I support you in your decision.”

“Thank you.” Jude said flatly as he got from the table. Connor’s eyes followed him as he walked to the door.

“W-when are you leaving?”

Jude stopped dead in his tracks, his hand froze on the doorknob. His voice came out flat and low-pitched as he said, without even turning around, “I’m leaving on Tuesday.”

 _Two days._ Connor realized. Jude was about to walk out of his life in two days.

 

 

Connor knew there was something he could do to at least leave Jude with a good memory of him. He showed up dressed in a nice shirt and dark well-fitting pants and found himself smiling at the way Jude’s eyes were glued to his ass.

“Are you going out?”

Jude did nothing to hide the bitchy inflection filling his voice. He raised his eyebrow in a way that communicated. _‘I’m leaving tomorrow and you’re going out? Seriously?”_

“ _We_ are going out.” Connor announced with a nervous smile twitching at the corner of his lips.

Jude looked at him as he’d completely lost his mind. “I’m wearing my pj’s.”

“I can see that.” Connor replied with soft voice. “Go change.”

A dull silence fell on them for few seconds. Jude kept looking at him completely dumbfounded and Connor’s whole body was buzzing with nervousness, fear and excitement hitting him all at once.

“Okay,” Jude said, a hint of nervousness filling his voice. Connor couldn’t help but smile at the affirmative response from Jude, it’s needless to say that Connor hoped to make Jude somehow change his mind, or route maybe, the conversation on them, _somehow._ Connor was ready to show Jude that he truly loved him, that he’d always loved him and if, by the end of the night, Jude still wanted to leave.. that would be the ultimate proof of Connor’s love for Jude because _if you love someone, you gotta set them free._

 

“This feels nice.”

Connor nodded in agreement as he took a sip of his glass of wine while trying to not stare too much at how good Jude looked in that soft-looking button up white shirt.

“Yeah.” Connor gulped thickly, his throat suddenly gone dry. “It is.”

“Thank you.” Jude cracked a close-lipped smile, a gentle blush creeping over his cheeks. “I was a bit.. reluctant, when you suggested this, but I have to admit that It has been a good idea to go out, after all.”

Connor hated to say this but.. _“It’s your last night. It’s my way to tell you goodbye.”_

Jude winced slightly as he said. “It’s not like we’re never gonna see each other again, Con.”

Connor tried to keep his breathing calm and steady at the affectionate way Jude said his _name._

“I know.” Connor said, exhaling a deep breath. “It’s not the same.”

“You’re right, it’s not..” Jude’s eyes fell on Connor’s hand on the table. Connor’s eyes followed the movement and wonder if Jude was thinking of reaching for it.

“ _I’m gonna miss you.”_ Connor breathed feebly, deciding to wear his heart on his sleeve considering that he was going to spend the rest of his life apart from Jude.

Jude’s eyes flickered to Connor’s hand and just like before, his gaze lingered too much. Connor let out a surprised gasp when Jude’s finger brushed against his knuckles, sending shivers over his spine.

His eyes fell close at the soft contact.. that until he heard a wrecked breath coming off Jude’s lips. Connor’s eyes flickered from his hand to Jude’s face and when he saw tears forming in Jude’s eyes, he just couldn’t hold back his own to fall down.

“ _I’m gonna miss you, too.”_

 

 

They mostly spent the rest of the dinner in a heavy silence, picking at expensive-looking food and sipping their wine and trying their best to avoid eye contact. They were sitting across from each other so it made the whole experience a lot harder than expected.

They made their way back to the apartment and despite having seen the suitcases in the hallway on their way out, it still didn't fail to make Connor's stomach ache while Jude didn't even spare a glance towards the object of Connor's pain and devastating heart-break.

Jude frowned when he noticed the livid pain flashing across Connor's features and didn't think about it twice before reaching for his hand. "Connor?"

Jude pulled him into a hug when he noticed that his former boyfriend was shaking. "Hey. What's wrong?"

What was wrong, Jude asked him.

Connor didn't even know where, to begin with, in the first place.

There were a lot of things that were wrong in that moment but this.. this had never felt more right and Connor was about to lose it.

He didn't think, or maybe he was just tired of thinking, wondering, picturing what could have been...

Jude gasped loudly against his salty lips when Connor kissed him for the first time in what felt like ages. He hadn't realized how much he'd been missing Jude until that moment.

_Even if just for a fraction of second, it felt like his heart was whole again._

 

Jude pulled away with a gasp, a look of absolute shock written all over his face. "I-I..." Jude lost every capability of speaking. He just gaped at air, too much bewildered to form words.

"W-what?" He asked him, finally.

Connor for once in a lifetime refused to feel sorry for his actions, especially since his reckless action made him happier than he'd ever been in a long time.

_"I kissed you."_

Jude let out something between an incredulous laugh and a snort. His eyes blown wide as they met Connor's.

"I can see that. I was there! I.. I want to know, why! W-Why would you mess up with my head like this? " He trailed off with a groan of frustration as the edge of his voice fired up above an octave.

"T-That was your plan? T-This is why you took me out for dinner, tonight? Haven't you damaged me enough? No." Jude let out a hollow laugh, never breaking eye contact with Connor's unapologetic eyes. "No. Y-You--That has always been your problem, Connor. Since the first night we kissed, you've never failed to haunt me. You can't let me go away without your personal blessing, can you?"

"It's not like that.."

"Then tell me, Connor. Why all you've done is pushing me away, since the day we broke up and when I think I'm finally ready to move on-- you just-- oh my God. Why would you do that?!"

"Because I've never stopped loving you, Okay ?!"

Connor tried to keep his voice steady and firm as he looked into Jude's eyes and his stomach ached at those tears which, once again, he'd caused to spill down Jude's eyes.

"All I ever wanted is to make you happy and to be a person worthy of standing by your side every single day of my life. I've been witnessing the failure that my parent's marriage has been for the most part of my life. T-they didn't love each other. M-my father cheated on my mother on daily basis and then he got married to my step-mom and that was _it_ for me. I-I refused to ever get married and live this on my own skin." Connor felt tears prickling the corner of his eyes as he breathed against Jude's lips.

"I've never forced you to say yes or marry me or--" Jude countered, weakly. His voice broken and tired just as his eyes. "All I ever wanted was you, simple as that and all I've ever done is begging you to give us a chance, even when you didn't want to listen."

“I want to be with you.” Connor’s voice was still shaky despite he’d been imposing himself to keep it steady and firm. He didn’t want to give Jude the impression that he was somehow still unsure or indecisive about this.

_Connor had never been more sure in his entire life._

He couldn’t wait for a lifetime of memories with Jude and.. their kids.

Connor wanted anything Jude had to offer him. He’d spend the rest of his life making Jude the happiest man that ever lived.

Connor just wanted Jude, for the rest of his life. But from the way Jude was looking at him.. Connor could tell they weren’t on the same page anymore, and it crushed him. Deeply.

 

“I don’t know..”

“Jude..” Connor’s voice was thick with tears as he took a step towards the man he loved with every fiber of his being who stood completely still, looking appalled by Connor’s words.

“W-why now?"

“B-because I haven’t realized, until now, that I.. _I’m nothing without you--"_

Connor trailed off with a loud gasp, a soft pair of lips pressing against his own made him forget anything left he had to say.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to split chapter 3 in two parts since the second half deserves his own chapter. :)


	4. ENDING.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, at the end of this journey.... 
> 
> I added some lyrics of the song, inspiring this fic :) (Make sure to read the previous chapter before this one, since it has been updated twice in the same day.)

 Jude didn’t know exactly what happened. He didn’t seem to care, either.

“Connor..”

Connor broke the kiss, resting his forehead against Jude’s.

They stared into each other’s eyes as they caught their breath, neither of them was able to pull away from their embrace.

“Jude..”

Futile words weren’t needed. Their eyes told everything it needed to be told.

 

_Before the worst._

 

Except for one thing, maybe.

“ _Don’t go.”_

Jude felt like his biggest wish had just become reality, but the weight of everything happened between the both of them crushed his hopes and dreams pretty quickly.

“I don’t want to go..”

Connor let out a wounded moan as he presses his lips against Jude’s forehead, his hand tightened the grip on his hip.

“Then don’t.”

“W-what if everything goes to shit, once again?”

 

_Before we met_

 

Jude couldn’t believe his own words. He’d been praying for this moment to come and now was he putting everything in jeopardy?

Luckily Connor didn’t blame him for being so scared. He was probably feeling the same way.

“We’ll work on everything coming our way.. Nothing scares me, anymore. Just.. just losing you, does.”

“Y-you’re not gonna lose me.” Jude promised. “I never wanted to leave you.”

“Jude?”

“Yes.” Jude said, without even let him finish his sentence. There was no need. _Jude would always say yes._

 

_Before our hearts decided it's time to love again_

 

Connor kissed him, long and deep as to made up for all the time they’d been apart from each other. His shaky hands quickly unbuttoned Jude’s soft shirts, sliding off his shoulders, before tracing his nipple with his finger.

“Missed you.”

Jude let out a strangled laugh against his neck, peppering the warm skin there with soft kisses.

“I missed you, too.”

 

Connor maneuvered him to the bedroom -- their bedroom-- closing the door behind them. The smile he was welcomed by as soon as he turned around was breath-taking.

Connor doubted he'd ever seen something so beautiful in his entire life.

Jude smiled softly at the look of absolute awe spreading across Connor's features, a pink blush blossoming over his cheeks as he asked him, sounding almost shy. " Why are you looking at me like that?"

Connor smiled as he shook his head. he strode towards Jude, cupping his face in his hands. He stared lovingly into his eyes before connecting their lips.

Jude moaned softly against his mouth, placing his hand behind Connor's neck, his fingers threading through the short hair there, angling his head so he could deepen the kiss.

He swiped his tongue across Connor's lips, before tugging on his bottom lip, dragging it between his teeth and pulling.

Connor let out a desperate moan, sliding his hands downwards, fiddling with Jude's belt. Jude let out a chuckle against his mouth before taking care of Connor's own clothes since he was still completely dressed and Jude decided to take the matter into his own hands.

"Fuck.." Jude's moans got Connor's attention who dislodged his gaze from Jude's pants, pooled at his ankles and found Jude staring breathlessly at his chest, one single finger brushing over his happy trail until it reached the waistband of his boxer briefs.

"It's not like the first time you see my ABS." Connor chuckled, earning a deadpan glare from Jude who looked completely outraged by such assessment.

"Shut up. I'm just getting reacquainted."

Connor rolled his eyes before resting his hands on Jude's hips.

"Con.." Jude's eyes fluttered close as Connor started running his lips over Jude's neck, leaving a trail of soft, butterfly kisses on its descendant.

Jude's soft moans filled the air as Connor kept kissing every inch of skin he'd found on his way.. from his chest down to his stomach, on his bellybutton and over his thigh.

"Connor.."

"Can I?"

"Do you need to ask?"

Connor let out a soft laugh against the waistband of his boxer briefs. "I'm a gentleman."

Jude laughed, running a hand over his face. "Oh my God. Yes. Yes. You can."

Connor's response was one of his devious smirk, spreading across his face along with the happiness of being reunited with the love of his life.

Connor had always enjoyed to take his time and drive Jude to oblivion with his hands and mouth but that wasn't the case.

He couldn't take things slow, not after all the time he'd spent away from Jude.

He took him in his mouth and got lost in the pleasure of driving Jude to the most intense orgasm of his life.

Jude's loud moans played like music in Connor's ears. The louder Jude screamed his name and grabbed him harder by his hair, the more he wanted to please him until Jude wouldn't remember his own name.

Jude was so far gone that he spilled down Connor's throat without even a warning. Only after catching his breath and his eyes slowly fluttered open, he looked down and the sight of few droplets of his come still sliding down Connor's red lips, his lips quirked up in a knowing smirk.

"Looks like you forgot something." Jude's voice was raw and wrecked with want and Connor's eyes got blown wide when, following the movement of Jude's finger reaching for the come on his face, it slipped past his lips, closing around the digit.

Connor couldn't look away, the sight of Jude tasting his own come was so endearing that it almost took his breath away.

 

_Before today._

 

Connor stood up on shaky legs, Jude couldn’t keep the smile at bay as he threw his arms around Connor’s neck.

“I love you so much.”

Connor felt a living, breathing human being again. How did he think that living his life without Jude would be the right choice for anyone?

It seemed ridiculous to even think about it.

_Before too long._

 

“I’m sorry..” Connor murmured against his lips. “I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you.”

Jude sighed, a hint of sadness filling his eyes as he said. “Just.. promise you’ll never do that again.”

Connor didn’t even blink. “I promise you.”

“Good.” Jude said with dead serious pitch in his voice. “Because I swear, Connor.. this is the last time... next time I’ll cut your balls.”

“Ouch.” Connor snorted indignantly. “That sounds painful.”

Jude glared at him, the corner of his lips tugging up as to refrain a smile. “I’ll make you it’ll be so much painful for you.. you’ll have to consider it ten thousand times before breaking up with me, again.”

“I won’t. Not just because I particularly care about my balls..” That elicited a soft smile out of Jude. “But because you’re the person I want to spend the rest of my days with. No one else.”

“Glad we’re on the same page.” Jude bit his lip, an eyebrow wiggling in mischief as he dragged Connor to their bed.

 

_Let's try and take it back..._

 

Their bed. It felt so good to say it.

“I missed my bed!”

“Your bed missed you, too.”

Jude smiled into their kiss, a hand squeezing Connor’s perky ass cheek.

“What was that?” Connor laughed against his neck.

“What? It’s been ages since I’ve rubbed the magic lamp.”

Connor raised an eyebrow as he said. “Again with this ?”

Jude’s hand wouldn't stop stroking his cheek or giggling as far as he was concerned.

“Can I make three wishes?”

Connor’s lubed finger was tantalizingly tracing his hole when Connor said. “One thing has been already accomplished.”

“Not yet.” Jude corrected him with soft smile in his voice..

As Connor prepared Jude’s body, he couldn’t help but fall in love with this rambling man, spread on their bed  naked and blabbering about silly things like chores and groceries shopping and as silly as it was.. _Connor wouldn’t have it any other way._

When Jude’s body started writhing under his own, his hands clenching in two fists and begging for Connor’s cock to accomplish the third wish, Connor had to pull his fingers out.

“Need you inside me, forever.. don't leave me. ” Jude moaned breathlessly, his eyes closed in absolute rapture.

“I’m here, baby. I’m here. I'm never gonna leave you."

 

_Before it all went wrong._

 

Connor kissed him at the same time he pushed inside Jude’s tight body, a wave of goosebumps erupting over his skin.. it felt too good to be inside of Jude, watching him squirm beneath his sweaty body and listening to Jude’s breathless voice begging him to fuck him harder, faster until his mind was completely blown.

Connor took both of Jude's hands and intertwined their fingers together, before lifting them above Jude's head.

He pushed inside even harder than before, feeling Jude's hips lifting off the bed trying to meet his thrusts. "You feel so good." Jude cried into his ear, hot tears falling down Connor's neck. "I don't want to let you go."

"Me neither." Connor breathed into his ear, his voice thick with both relief and resentment. "I have never meant to."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo here we go :) 
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting this fic, every comment or kudos has meant the world to me :) I hope you like this ending.
> 
> THANK YOU.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedbacks are cool.


End file.
